In 2006, researchers from the University of Wisconsin conducted a study, the results of which are as profound as they are moving.
The scientists who conducted the study recruited married partners for an experiment exploring our closest attachments. One member of the couple was selected and told that they would receive a few mild electrical shocks as part of the study. Before receiving the shocks, the subjects were randomly assigned to one of three experimental groups. In the first group, the person receiving the shock held the hand of one of the experimenters whom they did not know. In the second, the subject was offered no hand to hold and in the third, the subject was directed to hold the hand of their spouse.
After the subjects received their shocks, they were asked to rate the amount of pain they experienced.
When the data had been tabulated, the results showed that the participants who had held the hands of their spouse reported a pain level that was significantly lower than either of the other two groups. This was in spite of the fact that the voltage of all the shocks in all the groups had been exactly the same.
While it’s amazing that we have scientific evidence that simply holding a loved one’s hand can reduce a person’s experience of pain, that’s really just the tip of the iceberg of what psychological research has taught us about the power of relationships. There is ample scientific evidence that being in a healthy relationship is associated with less anxiety and stress, better general mental health, a lower risk for depression, and even longer life span. And that’s not all. Healthy relationships have also been shown to help keep your mind sharp, improve heart health, lower your blood pressure, strengthen the immune system and even help heal wounds faster.
Don’t believe me? Go ahead and check my receipts.
There can be little doubt about it. Having a healthy primary relationship is one of the best things anyone can do for their overall health and the health and the well being of our children as well.
Of course, all of this begs the question: what exactly constitutes a healthy relationship?
Fortunately, decades of social science research have provided us a very good answer to that question as well.
John Gottman is the foremost relationship researcher of our time. Since the 1970s, Gottman has been observing, coding, and doing long term studies to uncover the specific elements that make up healthy relationships and the elements that make up unhealthy ones as well.
To complete his research, Gottman asked couples to stay weekends in an apartment that had been equipped with cameras and microphones in all rooms, save the bathroom and the bedroom. (Even subjects in research deserve a little privacy). This apartment, later called the “Love Lab,” allowed Gottman to record couples’ interactions in great detail. Gottman developed a method to code these interactions and then followed the couples for 14 years to see if they remained together of if they separated.
What Gottman discovered was that there were four main relational dynamics that tended to destroy relationships. Because these dynamics are the great causes of relational destruction, he dubbed them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Gottman’s Four Horsemen are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you want to avoid unhealthy relationships, you must avoid riding these deadly steeds as if they carry famine and pestilence, because they do.
Gottman also learned that while these four relationship dynamics characterize unhealthy relationships, doing the opposite of them forms the foundation for healthy ones. Gottman dubbed these opposite traits the antidotes of the Four Horseman. These antidotes along with Gottman’s Sound Relationship House form the core of what constitutes relationship health.
The first antidote, and component of a healthy relationship, is what Gottman called gentle start-up. When we use gentle start-up instead of criticizing our partner, we lead with our feelings and what we need from them. We do this by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, instead of telling our spouse, “You never take out the trash!” we might say, “I’m disappointed that the trash didn’t get taken out today. I really need your help to keep the house clean.”
The second pillar of healthy relationships is a culture of appreciation. While it’s very human to focus our attention on the ways that our partner is disappointing us, focusing exclusively on the negative can lead us to miss the many ways that our partner is meeting our needs. Building a culture of appreciation means taking the time to notice the things that our partner is doing well and telling them often. Making a habit of appreciation moves us toward what Gottman calls the positive perspective. If we want to have a healthy relationship, science suggests that we should aim for five positive interactions for every one negative one.
The third thing we can do to develop healthy relationships is to take responsibility for our own behavior. Being defensive and blaming problems in our relationship exclusively on our partner is a sure path to suffering. It’s also almost always factually wrong. We are almost always contributing to the problems in our relationships just as much or more than our partner is. Taking the time to figure out how we are making things worse and taking responsibility for it leads to stronger and healthier relationships.
The final foundation of healthy relationships is the ability of each partner to self sooth and control their own emotions. Gottman’s research showed that avoiding conflict, shutting down during it, and lashing out are almost never helpful. However, if we become aware of our own emotions and can calm ourselves before we engage in those behaviors, we set the stage for productive conflict management. While this is a complex process, the first step toward self-soothing is often becoming aware of the early cues in our body that are precursors to strong emotion. For some, that might be eyes tearing up and for others it might be slowed breathing or clenched fists. When we are able to understand our own emotions, we avoid doing unnecessary damage to our relationships.
While developing these four skills is a lifelong process, taking steps toward them will reap incredible rewards for our health and happiness and that of our partners as well. I think the science will back me up when I say that having a healthy relationship is better for you than eating kale!
Those of us of a certain age know that life is often hard. The world is more often than not a harsh and dreadful place and many people try to take advantage of us. But healthy relationships offer shelter in the storm, a safe haven from the many tempests that come our way, and a place to be known and to be loved.
Charles D. Thomas is a writer, psychotherapist, and Main Street Media Group board member who made Three Rivers his home for over a decade. Feedback is welcome at [email protected].
Any views or opinions expressed in “Big World, Small Town” are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the Watershed Voice staff or its board of directors.
