I don’t understand grief. I mean, who really does? Who really wants to? Unfortunately it is something everyone experiences at least once in their life, but I don’t wish it upon anyone. I have tried to write this column so many times and have deleted it over and over again. But it is time I finally sit down and write.
How does one navigate grief? And is there a right or wrong way to go about things? I wish I had the answers to these questions. Instead of trying to write a column and answer these questions with google generated answers, I’m just going to do something that I know. I’m going to write.
I wish you all could have met one of my best friends, Christina. She unexpectedly died last August. And as we are approaching one year I am starting to feel the grief come back with a force I have never felt before. I met Christina in 2nd grade. I knew as soon as I met her that I had met someone special. And she continued to be someone special up until the day that she left this earth.
Losing a friend is hard. Losing a friend at the young age of 40 years old is terrifying. There are so many questions that come with death. The question that plays in my head the loudest is “Why?”. Why was it her time to go? Why did this happen? Why now? Why her? I’ve spent the last year asking these questions and trying to find some sort of relief knowing that I will never know the answers.
One thing I have learned is that grief is tricky. It comes and goes and pops up in the most inconvenient times. And everyone grieves differently. During this past year I have found myself laughing and joking about the fun times we used to have and then feeling guilty that I haven’t cried as much as I think I should. But who is to say that you must be crying in order to grieve?
I really believe that grieving can look like anything. Watching a movie that we used to love can be part of the process. Listening to music or celebrating her birthday by drinking really, really gross tequila can be a part of the process. And then sitting alone in your car crying because you thought of something that you will never be able to experience with them again can also be a part of the process. But there is no right or wrong way to do it. The healthy thing is that you are allowing your emotions to come and go and that you are letting some of that grief go.
Do I think that I will ever stop grieving? Not a chance. But I do believe that finding a way to process things is an important part of the grieving process.
I mentioned briefly that I feel guilty when I am not crying. I hate that society has put so many expectations on the right and wrong way to process things that everyone feels that if you’re not crying 24 hours a day then you are not really sad. Sadness can be masked by a smile and laughter. But the overall feeling is still there but no one can see it. And it sucks.
It sucks because you are currently going through something that no one really knows how to navigate. It sucks because you are trying to go through the motions of continuing to live life but then it smacks you in the face and almost paralyzes you with sadness. It sucks because no matter how hard you try to ignore it, it will always be there in the back of your mind and you will inevitably have no choice but to face it sooner or later.
August 5th, 2023 was the day that she posted the last picture that was taken of us. I know this because I religiously look at the TimeHop app and she tagged me on Facebook so it popped up in my memories. The picture shows carefree women hanging out in the pool. Little did we know, 2 short weeks later everything would change and we would start the grief cycle.
Christina always knew the right way to cheer you up. She had the ability to make a joke out of everything and make anyone smile. She loved fiercely and hard and with her gone the world is a bit darker.
I think right now I am teetering between the anger, depression and acceptance stages of grief. Everyday is a new emotion because everyday I think of something new that reminds me of our friendship. I laugh, I cry, I get really mad. And then I collect myself and try to return to the daily tasks and routine that we have. There is no timeline for grief. It doesn’t have an expiration date. It simply takes as long as it takes. For some that can be a short period of time, for others it can be the rest of their lives. For me, I don’t know how long it will take. But what I do know is that knowing Christina for over 30 years was a blessing that I will never take for granted.
Steph Hightree is a hot mess mom who is fueled by stress and too much caffeine. She is a Three Rivers native who talks about the good, the bad, and well, everything else about parenthood.
Any views or opinions expressed in “#MomLife” are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the Watershed Voice staff or its board of directors.
